You know the one. It starts the moment you wake up at 3am, or maybe it’s the reason you woke up in the first place. Not good enough. Not clever enough. Not doing enough. Most of us are having a conversation with ourselves that we would never tolerate from another person. And it’s doing real damage: to our confidence, our relationships, and for many of us, our sleep.

In this episode, hosts, Sarah Wright and psychologist Dr Victoria Stakelum, explore why our brains default to negative self-talk, what it is physically doing to our bodies, and what we can do to change it. Victoria explains the science behind negativity bias - the evolutionary survival mechanism that causes the brain to scan for threat and, in the absence of real danger, manufacture it - and why the stories we tell ourselves at night are particularly potent. In a wakeful sleep state, the body can’t tell the difference between a real threat and a vividly imagined one. The catastrophic 3am thought spiral is, quite literally, a self-induced stress response.

The conversation covers the physiological cost of chronic self-criticism (inflammation, disrupted sleep hormones, reduced immunity), the origins of the inner critic in childhood programming and social comparison, and the research showing that how we speak to ourselves directly shapes what becomes possible for us. Victoria also opens up about her own relationship with perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking - a reminder that even the psychologist is working on it.

You’ll come away with a step-by-step process for building kinder self-talk from the ground up: from the one sentence that can de-escalate a 3am spiral, to body scan techniques, to the most powerful reframe of all: responding to yourself as you would to someone you genuinely love.

Be part of the conversation. If you have a conversational conundrum or a question, please do get in touch via our email: abloodygoodconversation@gmail.com.

Sarah’s book

• Get Back to Sleep: A Recovering Insomniac’s Practical Guide to Beating Insomnia – Available on Amazon

CBT-I (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Insomnia)

• Sarah refers to this course that helped her: ReSleep.

Self-talk and self-compassion

• Self-Compassion - Dr Kristin Neff’s research and free self-compassion exercises https://self-compassion.org
• Psychology Today - What Is Negative Self-Talk, and How Can You Change It? https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/self-talk

Negativity bias

• Verywell Mind - What Is the Negativity Bias? https://www.verywellmind.com/negative-bias-4589618

Mindfulness and body scan

• NHS Every Mind Matters - Mindfulness and body scan audio guides: https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/mindfulness/

In this episode, Sarah Wright and Dr. Victoria Stakelum explore the inner dialogue that shapes everything: your confidence, your decisions, your relationships, and your ability to have difficult conversations.

We unpack where your inner critic comes from (spoiler: it was formed in childhood, and it thinks it's helping), how to tell the difference between fear-based chatter and genuine gut instinct, and what to do when that voice in your head is holding you back.

You'll learn why trying to silence your inner critic backfires, what you can do so it loses its grip, and the ABC technique for regulating yourself in the moment. Plus: the surprising power of giving your inner critic a name, why affirmations can make things worse if you don't believe them, and how journaling with your non-dominant hand might unlock answers your conscious mind can't reach.

If you've ever beaten yourself up after a meeting, talked yourself out of something you wanted, or wondered why you can't just think more positively—this one's for you.

Topics covered:

• What a “conversation with yourself” really is and why we’re all doing it (whether we notice it or not).
• Why the tone and volume of your self-talk matters for wellbeing and relationships.
• How to spot when you’re being hijacked in a conversation (mental and physical signs).
• A simple regulation framework you can use anywhere: Awareness → Breath → Choice.
• How to work with (not against) your inner critic, including naming it and understanding what it’s trying to do for you.
• Why “positive affirmations” can backfire and how to do realism-based positivity instead.
• Practical ways to externalise your thoughts: journaling, speaking out loud, and prompts that take you deeper.

Guest Information

• Dr. Victoria Stakelum - Psychologist & Mindset Coach
• Sarah Wright - Communications & Creative Strategist
• Victoria's Oracle Cards: Available at thesuccesssmith.com under Launchpad

Contact / listener questions

Have a conversational conundrum or a question sparked by this episode? Email the show at ABloodyGoodConversation@gmail.com .

In this follow-up Q&A, communications consultant Sarah Wright and psychologist and mindset coach Dr Victoria Stakelum answer listener questions sparked by the episode “Why do conversations feel so hard right now?” Together, they explore why modern digital life speeds up our brains, how emotions and subconscious triggers derail what we’re trying to say, and what to do when miscommunication happens. You’ll hear practical tools for slowing down in high-stakes moments, regulating your nervous system, improving clarity, and bringing “clean energy” into important conversations.

• A simple way to slow your speaking without losing your thinking
• Why “I’m fine” rarely lands.
• The difference between regulation and repression, and how to name emotions without blaming.
• A practical NLP tool to reduce conflict and widen perspective. (NLP World)
• How modern messaging trains us into instant-response habits (and how to retrain expectations).
• How to build patience through nervous system practice.
• How to spot miscommunication early and the receiver/sender checks that prevent escalation.
• What “cup-filling conversations” look like (past, present, future), and why they matter.
• What “clean energy” is and how to stop emotional agenda hijacking outcomes.

• Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine (referenced in the episode in the context of emotional channels / “PQ”). (Positive Intelligence)
• Perceptual Positions (NLP) – perspective-shifting technique discussed in the episode. (NLP World)

Send your questions to ABloodyGoodConversation@gmail.com.