I Robbed My Mom and My 9-Year-Old (In That Order) and I Regret Nothing

My mom was in the hospital. ICU-level hospital. I knew she was going to be fine — but I also hadn't slept, and I was running on that specific kind of fuel that is equal parts functional and completely frayed.

I had a lot of feelings. I did not share most of them. Instead, I asked her the question that actually mattered: how charged is your phone?

This episode is about what happens when the people who raised us start needing us to show up — and how that experience is mostly logistical problem-solving interrupted by moments of genuine, unhinged absurdity. My mom had three separate envelopes of cash stuffed into various corners of her purse. She also had a small pouch of Equal packets. She let me take all the cash. She did not let me take the Equal. Barely ambulatory. Still ready to fight about artificial sweetener.

I also robbed my 9-year-old's piggy bank for a valet tip. Her grandmother paid her back. I stayed out of that transaction entirely.

Alison brings a question from Josh and Casey Mo, who feel like they're either all in or completely checked out — no middle gear — and it's starting to affect their relationships. I have thoughts. Mostly: please go talk to a clinician.

Also in this episode: my husband's vacuum cleaner obsession, the Oscars, Conan O'Brien with a leaf blower, and the universe conspiring to put that exact sound directly into my AirPods at the worst possible moment.

"You can take my money. You cannot take my Equal."

Timestamps:

00:22 — My husband and his four vacuum cleaners

01:51 — The Oscars / sensory nightmare of the week

02:55 — Where did your parents keep the used twist ties?

04:42 — My mom was hospitalized (ICU, kidney transplant, all of it)

07:50 — The only question that matters: how charged is your phone?

08:53 — Purse archaeology: hard candies, cash pouches, and the Equal situation

13:12 — Small Talk: all in or completely checked out, no middle gear

Different, Not Broken is hosted by Lauren Howard. New episodes drop weekly.

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