Fawning

Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves--and How to Find Our Way Back

By: Ingrid Clayton

Narrated by: Ingrid Clayton

From a clinical psychologist and expert in complex trauma recovery comes a powerful guide introducing fawning, an often-overlooked piece of the fight-flight-freeze reaction to trauma—explaining what it is, why it happens, and how to help survivors regain their voice and sense of self.

Most of us are familiar with the three F's of trauma—fight, flight, or freeze. But psychologists have identified a fourth, extremely common (yet little-understood) response: fawning. Often conflated with “codependency” or “people-pleasing,” fawning occurs when we inexplicably draw closer to a person or relationship that causes pain, rather than pulling away.

• Do you apologize to people who have hurt you?
• Ignore their bad behavior?
• Befriend your bullies?
• Obsess about saying the right thing?
• Make yourself into someone you’re not . . . while seeking approval that may never come?

You might be a fawner.

Fawning explains why we stay in bad jobs, fall into unhealthy partnerships, and tolerate dysfunctional environments, even when it seems so obvious to others that we should go. And though fawning serves a purpose—it’s an ingenious protective strategy in unsafe situations—it’s a problem if it becomes a repetitive, compulsory reaction in our daily lives.

But here’s the good news: we can break the pattern of chronic fawning, once we see it for the trauma response it is. Drawing on twenty years of clinical psychology work—as well as a lifetime of experience as a recovering fawner herself—Dr. Ingrid Clayton demonstrates WHY we fawn, HOW to recognize the signs of fawning (including taking blame, conflict avoidance, hypervigilance, and caretaking at the expense of ourselves), and WHAT we can do to successfully “unfawn” and finally be ourselves, in all our imperfect perfection.

Eye Opening!

Dr. Clayton thank you. Fawing is information that you need & are unaware of. Read/Listen

Highly recommend for fawners

So brilliant and honest. I realized so very much about myself and relational trauma. Dr Clayton was so very vulnerable and I greatly appreciate this. Such a helpful book for a chronic fawner like me.

Surprising!

I SAW myself in so many of her words. I can't say enough good things about this book. I only wish she was right here with me so I could chat with her about it and tell her how much it means to me.

Relatability

This book feels like the author has been living in my head. A very helpful book for me.

Learned some things about myself.

I first heard Ingrid on Patrick Teahan’s podcast speaking on this subject. She does an excellent job of articulating how Fawning can begin, persist, and eventually be solved with hard work. Admittedly, this book had me feeling attacked, validated, and inspired all at the same time. Great read for anyone struggling to hold boundaries.