My Life On The Line

How the NFL Damn Near Killed Me, and Ended Up Saving My Life

By: Ryan O’Callaghan, Cyd Zeigler

Narrated by: Graham Halstead

Growing up in a red-state corner of California, the not-so-subtle messages he heard as a young man routinely equated being gay with disease and death. Letting people in on the darkest secret he kept buried inside was not an option, and it never would be.

Ryan never envisioned just how far his football career would take him. He was recruited by the University of California, Berkeley. Then it was on to the NFL for stints with the New England Patriots and the Kansas City Chiefs.

Bubbling under the surface of Ryan's entire NFL career was a collision course between his secret sexuality and his hidden drug use. As injuries mounted and his daily intake of opioids reached a near-lethal level, he wrote his suicide note to his parents and plotted his death.

Yet, someone had been watching. A member of the Chiefs organization stepped in, recognizing the signs of drug addiction. Ryan reluctantly sought psychological help, and it was there that he revealed his lifelong secret for the very first time. Nearing the twilight of his career, Ryan faced the ultimate decision: end it all, or find out if his family and football friends could ever accept a gay man in their lives.

©2019 Ryan O'Callaghan and Cyd Zeigler (P)2019 Tantor

A+

Inspirational story and excellent narration. I was vaguely familiar with O’Callaghan’s story prior to this book, and commend him on his courage and willingness to help others.

Brave and honest

Ryan's vulnerable and transparent honesty will help far more people than any of us will ever know. His story is fascinating, tragic and inspiring all at the same time.

What a coming out story!

Coming out is hard enough
Ryan takes it to the next level by opening up about his struggles

Very well read.

While I usually like the author to narrate books like this to deepen the personal impact, I absolutely understand why Ryan O'Callaghan did not do this himself. This is a deeply personal, honest and difficult look back on some of his darkest days and thoughts. I can't imagine how hard it was to revisit all of that to put into this book to share your story and struggles with the whole world. Going through it yet again, possibly needing multiple takes, to get the audiobook recorded would be expecting and asking too much of anyone.

That said, Graham Halstead does great to express the emotions of every line. His tone has all the dark, hateful edges that I imagine Ryan's thoughts had when it came to his internalized homophobia. It conveyed all the relief and hope that came out in the end with Ryan. I really don't think I would have read this without the narration to spur me on because it doesn't shy away from ugliness that is difficult to read when you, yourself, have had that kind of depression, self-loathing and desire to opt out of life. I may have gotten a chapter or two in before putting it aside, telling myself that I'd shown enough support by buying the ebook and audiobook. But I'm glad that I did get through the whole story, because Ryan is very relatable and I really want him to find the happiness he spent so much of his life denying himself. As I ended my review of the ebook, I say again here, thank you, Ryan, for sharing this.

Truly inspiring

Truly inspiring story. I laughed, I cried, I felt Ryan’s pain and celebrated what he overcame. Read this book, you won’t regret it.