No Agreements: No Marriage

A Guide for Christian Couples Preparing for Marriage

By: Dr. Natanael Valenzuela

Narrated by: Virtual Voice

Marriage, as described in Scripture, represents one of the most profound metaphors for God's relationship with humanity. From Genesis to Revelation, the covenant of marriage serves as both a practical institution and a divine illustration. This book explores the intersection of biblical wisdom and contemporary research on relationships, examining how ancient scriptural principles align with modern understanding of human psychology, neurobiology, and social science.
During my more than 30 years as a therapist, I have witnessed the pain produced by marriage crises. What moves me most is that, in 90% of the cases I have treated, these crises could have been avoided with simple conversations and agreements established during courtship.
As a therapist with a pastoral heart, I have seen marriages of 10, 20, and even 45 years crumble over issues that could have been resolved before saying "I do." My purpose in writing this book is to offer you, dear couples, a compassionate but frank guide to establishing fundamental agreements before taking that momentous step.
Recent studies in marriage psychology have consistently shown that open and honest communication before marriage about potentially conflicting topics is directly related to greater marital satisfaction and lower likelihood of divorce. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned researcher in marital relationships, has identified that many couples who experience difficulties never adequately discussed fundamental issues before getting married, creating what he calls "perpetual conflicts" that persist throughout the relationship.
In my practice, I have evaluated numerous engaged couples who, when discussing these essential agreements, have discovered fundamental incompatibilities before getting married. Although canceling an engagement can be painful, I consider these cases true successes, as they avoid the much greater suffering of a broken marriage that affects not only the couple but entire families.
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My greatest desire as a therapist and pastor at heart is that these agreements help you build a marriage that reflects God's love, grace, and faithfulness, a marriage that endures and flourishes through all seasons of life.
The Bible offers wisdom when it tells us in Proverbs 24:27 (New International Version): "Put your outdoor work in order and get your fields ready; after that, build your house." This agricultural metaphor teaches us the importance of carefully preparing the ground before building on it. Similarly, before establishing a marriage, we must have meaningful conversations and establish fundamental agreements.
The idea of establishing marital agreements is not new. In the Jewish tradition, the "ketubah" is a marriage contract that details the husband's obligations toward his wife. Although as Christians our approach is different, we share the wisdom of clarifying expectations and commitments before marriage.
As Amos 3:3 (New Living Translation) reminds us: "Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?" This profound spiritual truth reminds us that unity in purpose and vision is essential for walking together in marriage.
Each agreement category represents an essential dimension of the marital relationship, grounded in both biblical teaching and scientific evidence. This is not merely a collection of rules but a framework for building a marriage that glorifies God while fulfilling our deepest human needs for connection, meaning, and growth.
As the Apostle Paul writes in Ephesians 5:31-32: "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church." The following agreements seek to honor both the practical and spiritual dimensions of this mystery.