Still a Nice Guy

By: Phil Torcivia

Narrated by: Virtual Voice

Preparing My "F*ck It" List

Is it any wonder that I’m still single? Will there ever come an evening where I’ll quietly sip fine wine, watch Sportscenter, and engage in casual conversation with bartenders and patrons without leaving with writing material? Fortunately, that’s unlikely. I enjoy the freedom that comes with single life, even as I approach fifty. I frequently hear, “Don’t you want to have someone to grow old with?” That’s not high on my bucket list. Like any honest male, I seek and desire fine wine, espresso, and sex—in any order, thank you very much. I don’t fantasize about holding hands with the love of my life in a resting home while I drool on myself, waiting to die. I do fantasize about waking up next to a sexually exhausted female specimen that can stimulate me physically and mentally, even after she leaves. “Don’t you want to get married again, Phil?” Similar to teenage acne, I think I can do without an encore. “What about children? Don’t you want to pass on your genes?” I’d rather slip off your jeans. “Don’t you get lonely?” No, and the last time I checked, I had almost 150 million reasons why in this country alone. “Don’t you want to have regular, dependable, and safe sex?” To me, that sounds like the exact opposite of marriage. Hence, I remain content in my sun-drenched confines with my two silly felines and hangovers designed with red wine. Please keep up the wackiness, San Diego. I’m proud to be a huge fan of your dysfunctions and one of your major contributors.