But For Real Podcast By Valerie Martin & Emerson Ryder cover art

But For Real

But For Real

By: Valerie Martin & Emerson Ryder
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Welcome to But For Real: the podcast where all your swirling thoughts about mental health, pop culture, and how to human are blended into one delicious variety show, co-hosted by therapists Valerie Martin (resident elder millennial ✌️) and Emerson Ryder (resident Gen Z 🫶).Copyright 2026 Valerie Martin & Emerson Ryder Hygiene & Healthy Living Personal Development Personal Success Psychology Psychology & Mental Health Social Sciences
Episodes
  • Is Sex Addiction Really a Thing?

    Is Sex Addiction Really a Thing?
    Mar 18 2026
    We need to talk about sex addiction — because culturally, this phrase gets thrown around a lot. And depending on who you ask, it’s either a legitimate disorder… or a moral panic wrapped in clinical language.Either way, it is certainly true that some people need expert support to realign their sexual behavior with their values and intentions, and heal any wounds that may underlie sexual acting out. But is addiction the one best model for doing this work?In this episode of But For Real, we’re diving into the messy, controversial world of sex addiction, porn use, and what clinicians actually mean when they talk about “out of control sexual behavior.”Because here’s the truth: the phrase sex addict gets used everywhere — in couples fights, celebrity scandals, religious communities, and treatment centers. But clinically, the picture is way more nuanced.We’re asking:Is sex addiction actually recognized as a mental health disorder?Why does the DSM not include it?What’s the difference between a high libido, a porn habit, and something that’s truly out of control?And how much of this conversation is shaped by moral judgment, religion, and cultural discomfort around sex?Because here’s the thing:Not every high libido is pathology. Not every porn habit is addiction. And not every relationship betrayal means someone has a disease.But if your sexual behavior feels compulsive, secretive, or deeply distressing, that matters — and it deserves real support, not internet armchair diagnoses.In this episode, we break down the history of the sex addiction model, why many sex therapists challenge it, and what a more nuanced understanding of sexual behavior actually looks like.Plus, we explore the role of shame, porn culture, religion, attachment, and emotion regulation — because sometimes behavior isn’t the real issue. It’s the coping strategy underneath it.From there, we unpack: The origin of the sex addiction model and its roots in the 12-step worldWhy “sex addiction” has never been officially recognized in the DSMThe difference between sex addiction, compulsive sexual behavior, and out-of-control sexual behaviorWhy labeling someone a “sex addict” can sometimes pathologize normal sexualityThe cultural factors (religion, gender norms, and shame) shaping the conversationHow porn use actually fits into this discussionThe difference between sexual acting out vs. sexual offendingSigns sexual behavior might truly be compulsive or distressingWhy shame and secrecy often keep people stuck in the cycleHow sex therapy approaches this topic differently than addiction treatmentWe talk about:00:00 – Life hacks: hiccup cures & anxiety nausea tricks05:30 – Tea & Crumpets: internet rabbit holes and cultural commentary09:30 – Step Into My Office: porn, shame, and being labeled a “sex addict”14:00 – The DSM: is sex addiction a real diagnosis?17:00 – Val’s experience training as a sex addiction therapist20:00 – Why the DSM rejected hypersexual disorder22:00 – The shift toward out-of-control sexual behavior frameworks24:00 – Moral shame vs clinically significant distress30:00 – Porn, masculinity, and cultural narratives about sex36:00 – A healthier way to understand sexual behaviorResources Mentioned:The Myth of Sex Addiction by David LeyTreating Out of Control Sexual Behavior by Doug Braun-Harvey & Michael VigoritoConnect with Us:Submit a story for The Lore segmentSubmit a request for advice for our Step Into My office segmentReach out: butforrealpod@gmail.com But For Real on IG: @butforrealpodNow That's What I Call... OKAAAAY PlaylistThe Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenterVal on IG: @valkaymartinThe Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com for international resources.
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    48 mins
  • We Need To Talk About Child Stars 🎬

    We Need To Talk About Child Stars 🎬
    Mar 4 2026
    We need to talk about child stars, y’all. 🎬 Not just in a nostalgic “remember when?” way. And not just in a “look at their meltdown” way. In a developmental, nervous-system, attachment theory-informed way.Because culturally, we’ve been sold a shiny story about fame, money, and success. But from a developmental perspective, achieving fame early in life can leave lasting scars, which are too often exploited as memes and clickbait headlines. In this episode of But For Real, we unpack the psychological underbelly of child stardom — from Britney in that revealing schoolgirl uniform at 16 to Bieber stripped down at this year’s Grammys— and from the Disney/Nickelodeon machine to TikTok kids with brand deals before puberty.We’re asking:What happens when identity formation gets too blended with performance?What does it do to a child’s attachment system when they’re the breadwinner?How does a nervous system develop under constant visibility and evaluation?Because here’s the truth:Money does not regulate a nervous system.Fame does not replace attunement.And followers do not equal safety.From there, we unpack: How identity formation gets disrupted when a kid becomes a brand 🎭Why being rewarded for compliance and performance warps self-conceptWhat happens developmentally when you can’t have your “weird phase” in privateHow attachment dynamics shift when the child becomes the breadwinner 💸The psychological pressure baked into parentificationWhy money and fame don’t regulate a nervous systemThe mental health risks tied to chronic evaluation, overstimulation, and performance conditioningHow substance use becomes an understandable (but costly) regulation strategyWhat parasocial relationships and hyper-visibility do to individuation 📱Why the lack of federal protections for child influencers should concern all of usPlus— rabbit holes (well, of course) exploring Jeanette McCurdy, Val’s QVC host childhood dreams, paparazzi and algorithm culture, the Coogan Law, Ruby Franke’s family vlog fallout, and why “but they had everything” completely misses the point.We talk about:00:00 – Intro03:00 – Jeanette McCurdy and the child star reckoning06:00 – A 10-year-old who wants to be famous (Step Into My Office)11:00 – Erikson, identity formation & losing your “weird phase”15:00 – Attachment theory & the child-as-breadwinner dynamic20:00 – Substance use, performance pressure & shame23:00 – Paparazzi culture vs. algorithm culture27:00 – Parasocial relationships & hyper-visibility30:00 – “They had everything” — and why that argument failsConnect with Us:Submit a story for The Lore segmentSubmit a request for advice for our Step Into My office segmentReach out: butforrealpod@gmail.com But For Real on IG: @butforrealpodNow That's What I Call... OKAAAAY PlaylistThe Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenterVal on IG: @valkaymartinThe Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com for international resources.
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    38 mins
  • Why We Love The Drama (Until It's Ours) 🫣

    Why We Love The Drama (Until It's Ours) 🫣
    Feb 18 2026
    Let’s be honest. We all love a little drama… as long as it’s not happening to us. 😜From celebrity family feuds to wedding-day chaos to messy public statements, we can’t look away. But the second that kind of public-facing conflict hits our own nervous system? We’re either shutting down, spiraling, or plotting our escape into permanent invisibility.In this episode of But For Real, therapists Val and Emerson unpack the psychology of why we love drama and gossip— at least, of course, until it’s about us. We’re talking attachment wounds, tribalism, and the very human tendency to consume chaos as entertainment while avoiding it in our own lives.As always, we’re kicking things off with some pop culture tea (the Beckhams are fighting, y’all), but quickly zoom out to explore the deeper question: why does other people’s relational conflict feel juicy, but our own feels threatening?If you grew up in a family where repair wasn’t modeled…If conflict makes your chest tighten and your brain short-circuit…If you find yourself glued to reality TV but allergic to confrontation…This one’s for you, babe.Because of course drama hits different when your attachment system is involved.From there, we unpack:Why other people’s drama feels safe to consumeWhat happens in your nervous system when conflict becomes personalHow attachment wounds shape your reaction to relational tensionThe difference between curiosity and ruminationWhy public family conflict hits so hard culturallyWhen drama becomes avoidanceHow to stop intellectualizing and start embodying repairWhy healing relational trauma requires tolerating discomfortPlus: Snowmageddon survival stories, exploding trees and frost cracking, unexpected love for a Super 8 motel, Spice Girls loyalty debates, and the trainwreck-you-can’t-look-away-from of the Beckhams fighting in public.This episode is for anyone who:Loves a little pop culture tea but gets dysregulated the second conflict hits close to homeGrew up around tension, enmeshment, or emotional landmines and now feels hyper-aware of drama everywhereFinds themselves glued to other people’s relational mess while avoiding their ownIs realizing their nervous system reacts to conflict like it’s a five-alarm fireBecause sometimes we’re not obsessed with drama. We’re just trying to understand something our body never got to feel safe inside of.We talk about:00:00 – Snowmageddon 2026 & survival mode03:30 – Pop culture tea: The Beckhams are fighting07:00 – Why we love drama when it’s not ours11:00 – Nervous system activation & conflict15:00 – Attachment wounds and emotional reactivity20:00 – Enmeshment, boy moms, and wedding-day chaos25:00 – When curiosity turns into rumination30:00 – Conflict avoidance vs. relational repair35:00 – Why drama can be a form of avoidance40:00 – Doing hard relational things anywayConnect with Us:Submit a story for The Lore segmentSubmit a request for advice for our Step Into My office segmentReach out: butforrealpod@gmail.com But For Real on IG: @butforrealpodNow That's What I Call... OKAAAAY PlaylistThe Gaia Center on IG: @thegaiacenterVal on IG: @valkaymartinThe Gaia Center website: www.gaiacenter.co DISCLAIMER: But For Real Podcast is not a substitute for individualized mental health treatment or healthcare. This podcast is solely for entertainment and educational purposes. If you are in crisis, please utilize crisis support services, such as the Crisis Text Line (Text START to 741741 in the US) or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: (Call 988 in the US), or visit www.findahelpline.com for international resources.
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    53 mins
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