Dear Bossy: Help, I Feel Like a Monster When I Give Feedback

Dear Bossy is the advice column format of Sorta Bossy. Think Dear Abby, but for real leadership situations.

Adrienne and co-host Emily Doyle answer questions from listeners (all submitted anonymously) and pull real scenarios from the messy middle of managing people.

Today's question, from an anonymous listener:

"I have a team member who cries every time I try to give her feedback. Not harsh feedback — just normal, constructive feedback. The moment I start, she tears up and I feel like a monster. So I end up not giving her feedback anymore, which means she's not improving and I'm really frustrated. What do I do?"

Adrienne isn't a crier. Emily is (or was). Together, they cover both sides of this scenario with honesty and zero judgment.

What they cover:

• Why stopping the feedback entirely is actually the worst thing you can do for you and for them
• How to offer space without abandoning the conversation
• Why crying is involuntary and not (usually) manipulative
• The two most common triggers: disappointment after giving their best effort, and frustration at being stuck in a repeated pattern
• How to tell when someone genuinely can't hear you yet vs. when you can keep going
• Why skipping feedback doesn't protect your team member, it just delays the inevitable
• How to frame feedback as care, not punishment
• Why the way you deliver feedback needs to vary person to person
• A real story between Adrienne and Emily, an actual attitude reprimand call, and how processing time made all the difference

🔗 Links Mentioned:

• 📋 Enneagram Processing Guide
  

Want to submit a question for a future Dear Bossy episode? Send it to Adrienne on social media or via email to [e-mail]. All submissions are kept anonymous.

⏱️ Time Chapters

00:00 Welcome to Dear Bossy — the advice column format

01:52 How to submit your own Dear Bossy questions

03:42 Today's question: what do you do when your team member cries during feedback?

06:49 Adrienne's take: don't stop giving the feedback

09:21 Emily's take: crying is involuntary — make space for it

13:48 When the crier is your own kid (and why that's relatable)

16:02 The "nothing burger" cry — when emotions surprise you

17:25 The rule: pause if they can't hear you, but always come back

18:51 Real story: Adrienne gives Emily an attitude reprimand call

20:51 Why processing time matters before moving to solutions

22:38 Mindful of the blame game — give people room to process

23:19 The Enneagram processing guide and knowing your people

24:14 Final takeaway: deliver with care, directness, and don't stop

Find the transcript here