Healing Attachment Trauma - When They Turn Away Right Before the Door Opens

Today, we’re talking about attachment trauma—and how it can cause us to turn away right at the moment we most long to be held.

So what is attachment trauma?

At its core, attachment trauma happens when our early caregivers—those who were supposed to protect, attune, and respond—were unavailable, unpredictable, or unsafe.

And that leaves a mark. Not just in your memories, but in your nervous system. In the way you relate to others.

If you grew up not knowing if someone would come when you cried…

Or if the people who said they loved you also hurt or dismissed you…

Or if you had to earn love by performing or pleasing or making yourself smaller…

Then intimacy—especially with someone who actually wants to love you well—can feel terrifying.

Attachment trauma isn’t about what’s wrong with you.

It’s about what happened to you—and what your system learned in order to survive.

And unless we tend to it with great compassion, it will continue to shape our adult relationships—often without us even knowing.

In today’s episode, I’ll share a story from my dear friend and colleague Lori Marchak that offers such a powerful metaphor for this exact pattern. We’ll explore what healing actually requires, and how we can begin to trust again—even if we’ve never really felt safe before.

The Repair Your Relationship Podcast is hosted by Stacey Curnow, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Relationship Specialist, and founder of Asheville Family Counseling.