Hold on to Your Kids

Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

By: Gabor Maté, Gordon Neufeld

Narrated by: Daniel Maté

Brought to you by Penguin.

Children take their lead from their friends: being 'cool' matters more than anything else. Shaping values, identity and codes of behaviour, peer groups are often far more influential than parents.

But this situation is far from natural, and it can be dangerous - it undermines family cohesion, interferes with healthy development, and fosters a hostile and sexualized youth culture. Children end up becoming conformist, anxious and alienated.

In Hold on to Your Kids, acclaimed physician and bestselling author Gabor Maté joins forces with Gordon Neufeld, a psychologist with a reputation for penetrating to the heart of complex parenting. Together they pinpoint the causes of this breakdown and offer practical advice on how to 'reattach' to sons and daughters, establish the hierarchy at home, make children feel safe and understood, and earn back your children's loyalty and love. This updated edition also addresses the unprecedented parenting challenges posed by the rise of digital devices and social media.

By helping to reawaken our instincts, Maté and Neufeld empower parents to be what nature intended: a true source of contact, security and warmth for their children.

'Maté's book will make you examine your behaviour in a new light' Guardian

'bold, wise and deeply moral. [Maté] is a healer to be cherished' Naomi Klein, author of No Logo and The Shock Doctrine

© Gabor Maté 2004 (P) Penguin Audio 2021

Critic reviews

Gabor Maté’s connections—between the intensely personal and the global, the spiritual and the medical, the psychological and the political—are bold, wise and deeply moral. He is a healer to be cherished

A visionary book that goes beyond the usual explanations to illuminate a crisis of unrecognized proportions. The authors show us how we are losing contact with our children and how this loss undermines their development and threatens the very fabric of society. Most importantly they offer, through concrete examples and clear suggestions, practical help for parents to fulfil their instinctual roles. A brilliant and well written book – one to be taken very seriously

Hold on to Your Kids brings us genuinely new ideas and fresh perspectives on parenting. The authors integrate psychology, anthropology, neurology and their own personal and professional experiences…. a worthy book with practical implications

Maté’s book will make you examine your behaviour in a new light

Hold On to Your Kids is full of easy tips for avoiding calamity

It is a parenting must read.

I struggled with this book for a while. Not because it was hard to read or to understand, but because it brought to light things I felt were wrong in my parenting and it was emotional and overwhelming to be woken up in this way.
I have since addressed a lot of issues and have seen progress in my relationship with my children. Parenting is not an easy fix nor something to be hacked. It must be understood in a profound way and this book offers a glimpse into that understanding.
I have respected both authors for many years now and this collaboration has been over my biggest expectations.
Thank you both for sharing your knowledge and experience.

Scary! But a must read for any parent!

This book is SPOT ON. READ IT! Because as scary as it is, you can't afford not to!

A book everyone in contact with education should read

I really enjoyed this book and the voice/way it's being read. I was nodding along the whole time. It could be a bit more scientifically underbuilt, which I'm used to reading from Dr. Gabor Maté, but I guess the main writer is Dr. Gordon Neufeld, and he seems to have a different writing style. Either way, this book pinpoints exactly what our society needs to understand and adjust, iso hyperfocussing on getting education/details/techniques wrong or right, like so many parenting and books on education do. To me it's so obvious, but unfortunately society still needs to gain that awareness. I'd say it's a must read for anyone working in education, schools, policy makers and of course any parent. Definitely get the updated version that includes the newer chapters on social media.

Lock up your kids and blame their stupid friends

As an ACoA with ACE score of 8, I thought this would be a good book for guiding me to reparent myself, especially since I have liked Gabor's work. It was maybe a small miracle that blood vessel didn't pop in my head while listening to first half of this.

Constant blaming, contradictions, blind spots, plain untruths, and a concerning lack of empathy. Latter half seems to have good information and solid advice, but even that is constantly cut by putting the blame to children's peers.

Why on earth are you blaming the crooked flower for wanting to be with other crooked flowers, when you decided to go with it, and weren't able to provide necessary growing environment? Blame should never ever go this way.

I will go over the book again at some point, because it had good stuff in it too. Just a shame it has been made so difficult to reach. Maybe I indeed will mature enough with my own frustration, accept my own futility in trying to relate my viewpoint, and just accept that boomers will be boomers, who don't seem to realize they too, grew crooked.