The Mother Code

My Story of Love, Loss, and the Myths That Shape Us

By: Ruthie Ackerman

Narrated by: Ruthie Ackerman

In this propulsive memoir, an award-winning journalist blends history, science, and cultural criticism to uncover whether motherhood outside of society’s rigid rules and expectations is possible—and whether she fits the mold for what a mother should be.

“This tender, generous book does the hard work of redefining ‘motherhood’ and ‘family’ so that they honor all aspects of a woman’s life.”—Christie Tate, author of the New York Times bestseller Group

AN ELLE BEST BOOK OF THE YEAR

Ruthie Ackerman had long believed that the decision to not have children was a radical act. She’d grown up being told that she came from a long line of women who had abandoned their kids and feared she would pass on her half-brother’s rare genetic disorder. So when she marries a man who doesn’t want children, she hopes she can be happy without any. But a voice in her head keeps returning to the question: What if mothering can be a radical act too? When her marriage veers off course, she goes searching through the twists and turns of her DNA to decide once and for all whether she should become a mother.

By the time Ruthie finally determines that she desperately wants a child, she learns that motherhood won’t happen the way she thought it would. Now she must enter the hall of mirrors where biology, genetics, and philosophy collide as she wonders what it means to both create and nurture a life. What does inheritance really entail? What does it mean to be a “good” mother? When it comes down to it, how important is nature versus nurture? And where are the models for what a “good life” can look like for women, both with and without children?

Synthesizing reportage and memoir, The Mother Code unravels how we’ve come to understand the institution of motherhood. What emerges is a groundbreaking new vision for what it means to parent: a mother code that goes beyond our bloodlines and genetics and instead urges us to embrace inheritance as the legacy we want to leave behind for those we love.

Vulnerable, raw, honest

I appreciated the author’s willingness to share her journey from strong reluctance to ardent striving towards being a mother. Ackerman rejects a black and white, restrictive motherhood narrative which requires women to mute all other needs and desires they have at the service of fully living their new role as “mother.”

Mothering is not just gestation but is an act of nurturing others, of recognizing the needs of others and seeking to meet that need. Ruthie rightly recognizes that women have been bombarded with unrealistic standards of the “good mother.” I was struck by the tension between Ruthie’s intense desire to become a mother, to become pregnant, with her tragic admission that she would likely abort a child that had certain abnormalities. To me, mothering is accepting a person in their imperfection, protecting others, receiving others, nurturing that life, not because they are perfect, deserving of love, etc but because their dignity demands that response.

Outstanding Mom-oir

I recommend this book to everyone who wants to become a mother or is already a mother- it’s an incredible journey through the author’s path to becoming a mother after 40. Chapter 27 absolutely blew my mind. Being adopted, I resonated so much with her research and message. Ruthie’s voice is soothing and familiar in a way that feels like you are chatting with a close friend. One of the best audible books I’ve ever heard.

A must read for any of us on the path of donor conception

Wow- I’m so glad I found this book! Now 36 weeks pregnant with my donor egg baby. I can’t believe how many of her thoughts and concerns and fears about donor conception are the same things I’ve feared and had to work through. I love that Ruthie is bringing all of the ways to be a mother out into the spotlight. Love the honesty and fragility she brings to this story. Thank you for this book Ruthie

The Mother Code = Motherhood in Modern America

Truly a cautionary tale of how women’s lives are not their own until we awaken to the restrictions, both real and imagined, that the patriarchy and modern society place on us. How our ability to allow ourselves to make decisions for ourselves is a precious commodity that few actually have.

It took me halfway through this book to realize that the author should have been in therapy long ago for their trauma-based abandonment issues to help them accept what THEY wanted was actually important.

It also made it clear how all people on fertility journeys should have access to mental health care to help with coping mechanisms, encourage outlets for emotional, and healthier communication during the highs and lows.