My mom was in the hospital. ICU-level hospital. I knew she was going to be fine — but I also hadn't slept, and I was running on that specific kind of fuel that is equal parts functional and completely frayed.

I had a lot of feelings. I did not share most of them. Instead, I asked her the question that actually mattered: how charged is your phone?

This episode is about what happens when the people who raised us start needing us to show up — and how that experience is mostly logistical problem-solving interrupted by moments of genuine, unhinged absurdity. My mom had three separate envelopes of cash stuffed into various corners of her purse. She also had a small pouch of Equal packets. She let me take all the cash. She did not let me take the Equal. Barely ambulatory. Still ready to fight about artificial sweetener.

I also robbed my 9-year-old's piggy bank for a valet tip. Her grandmother paid her back. I stayed out of that transaction entirely.

Alison brings a question from Josh and Casey Mo, who feel like they're either all in or completely checked out — no middle gear — and it's starting to affect their relationships. I have thoughts. Mostly: please go talk to a clinician.

Also in this episode: my husband's vacuum cleaner obsession, the Oscars, Conan O'Brien with a leaf blower, and the universe conspiring to put that exact sound directly into my AirPods at the worst possible moment.

"You can take my money. You cannot take my Equal."

Timestamps:

00:22 — My husband and his four vacuum cleaners

01:51 — The Oscars / sensory nightmare of the week

02:55 — Where did your parents keep the used twist ties?

04:42 — My mom was hospitalized (ICU, kidney transplant, all of it)

07:50 — The only question that matters: how charged is your phone?

08:53 — Purse archaeology: hard candies, cash pouches, and the Equal situation

13:12 — Small Talk: all in or completely checked out, no middle gear

Different, Not Broken is hosted by Lauren Howard. New episodes drop weekly.

Mentioned in this episode:

Inflow

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GetInflow

Our episode sponsor is Inflow. Please support this show and check them out at http://getinflow.io/notbroken

Inflow

In this episode which is sponsored by our wonderful partners at Inflow , I have a bone to pick with everyone who has ever bought me a coloring book. I know you meant well. I know you love me. I know you saw "mindless activity" and thought of me. But I need you to understand something: there is nothing in this world more stressful than being handed a mandala and a box of markers and being told to relax. Nothing.

Hi, I'm Lauren Howard and my friends call me L2.

Over the coming 20 minutes, I'll be walking through exactly why coloring books are a form of psychological warfare for my brain — the wrong colors, the spacing, the seven shades of gray problem, the blank page that is just failure waiting to happen — and what actually works for me instead. (Paint by number. With the paint pots included. Do not hand me a paint by number without the paint pots.)

I also tell the story behind why I sign off every single conversation — phone call, Zoom, hallway chat — the same exact way. Every time. Have for a decade. Started in a substance use clinic, where "be good" was less a pleasantry and more a genuinely urgent request. One patient called me out the one time I forgot. I didn't realize how much it had followed me until then.

Alison brings us a question from Simone in Oakland, California, who is frustrated by the advice to "listen to your body" because her body keeps sending contradictory signals — tired but wired, hungry but nauseous. I get into why that advice is genuinely incomplete, what those crossed signals actually mean, and when they're a sign something bigger needs attention.

"A blank coloring page is just a sheet of failure. Everything I do from here on out is going to be wrong. Get that thing away from me."

Be good.

Again, please do check out our episode sponsors Inflow at http://getinflow.io/notbroken

Chapters:

For use in podcast players and YouTube.

1. 00:00 — Coloring book dread (the visceral reaction)
2. 00:44 — Why people keep buying them (they mean well)
3. 01:47 — Please stop buying me coloring books
4. 02:30 — Mandalas, marker boxes, and wrong color panic
5. 04:03 — The Golden Girls color-by-number disaster
6. 05:17 — Paint by number: the acceptable alternative
7. 05:22 — You're allowed to make ugly art
8. 05:58 — Decision fatigue and the two-item menu
9. 06:46 — The blank page nightmare (live in my living room)
10. 07:53 — Where 'be good' actually came from
11. 08:53 — The substance use clinic years
12. 09:21 — The patient who called me out
13. 10:57 — What 'be good' means now
14. 12:38 — Small Talk with Alison
15. 12:43 — Simone in Oakland: mixed signals from her body
16. 13:05 — When 'listen to your body' is incomplete advice
17. 16:42 — Dad's sign-off (and how I apparently inherited this)

Mentioned in this episode:

Join Quirky

Inflow

GetInflow

Our episode sponsor is Inflow. Please support this show and check them out at http://getinflow.io/notbroken

Inflow

In this episode which is sponsored by our wonderful partners at Inflow I'm sharing an update from a couple of weeks ago when my mom was sick and I called an ambulance. She was going to be fine. I knew she was going to be fine. I was calm. I was functional. I was on the phone with my business partner — who is also an ER doctor, which I have decided is a mandatory qualification for that role — while flagging down the paramedics from the front porch.

And then I walked outside and completely fell apart.

Not because I was scared for her. Because that was the same porch. The same hallway. The same room I'd stood in nine and a half years ago when I called an ambulance for my dad — and he did not come home.

My brain knew it was 2026. My body had not received that information.

This episode is about the part of grief nobody prepares you for — not the raw early days, but the decade-later ambush that catches you completely off guard on a random Tuesday night with zero warning and zero time to put the armor on. It's also about how two things can be absolutely true at once: you can be fully mid-trauma response and still be making sarcastic remarks at the paramedics. I did both. Simultaneously. I regret nothing.

Alison brings a question from Andrew in Eugene, Oregon: "I'm starting to wonder how much of my personality is just coping strategies stacked on top of each other. Is there a real me underneath that, or is that the wrong question entirely?" Andrew, I've been thinking about this all week.

And I sit down with Lauren Yerkes, founder of Post Swim, who built a swimwear brand from her own breast cancer diagnosis at 37 — because she wanted to feel like herself again in a bathing suit, and that thing did not exist yet. Lauren's take on coverage vs. hiding is one of the most nuanced things I've heard in a long time.

"My brain knew it was 2026. My nervous system had entirely different information. Grief is a Mack truck with no warning label and no timeline."

Post Swim: postswim.com | @postswimofficial

Again, please do check out our episode sponsors Inflow at http://getinflow.io/notbroken

They're helping us bring episodes like this one to your ears.

Mentioned in this episode:

GetInflow

Our episode sponsor is Inflow. Please support this show and check them out at http://getinflow.io/notbroken

Inflow

Inflow