Burn the Haystack

Decode Dating, Torch the Duds, and Make Room for Men Who Matter

By: Jennie Young PhD

Narrated by: Jennie Young PhD, Kiiri Sandy

It’s time for a dating revolution! Read by Kiiri Sandy and author Jennie Young. Listen to Jennie’s introduction of her method and her movement, and then hear her sign off the book with a love letter from her.

Part reading from your favorite professor, part conversation with your funniest friend—this is the heart behind the manifesto.

How do you find a needle in a haystack? You burn the haystack to the ground.

Among Dr. Jennie Young’s legion of fans, the “needle” is a long-term, committed partner and the “haystack” is the group of men available to date. So often women are advised to “give the guy a chance,” to take seriously men whose app bios tell women not to take themselves seriously. Young’s refreshing approach to online dating turns this advice on its head: Give almost no one a chance.

A professor of feminist rhetoric, Young teaches people how to decode the hidden meanings in ordinary communication. Fascinated (and frustrated) by the rhetorical gambits she saw in men’s profiles when she first downloaded a dating app, she created Burned Haystack to help other women navigate the nonsense and find their needles.

Young has revolutionized the dating lexicon by identifying common toxic rhetorical patterns in men’s messaging, such as:

• Test and Apologize: He texts some sexual innuendo, then apologizes before you can
  even respond. He’s testing if you’ll be okay with being objectified. The test is real; the apology isn’t.
• Disciplinary/Directive: He uses his dating app profile to “lay down the law” with women, which usually turns into abuse down the road. Understanding this pattern will help you disengage from this guy before he ruins your life.
• Blue Ribbon for Bare Minimum: He opens his bio with “I will never hit you” (shockingly common) or brags about basic adult life skills such as having a job or washing his sheets. Things don’t improve from here.

Young’s engaging system empowers readers to sort through profiles quickly and effectively, preserving both time and sanity. And with its blend of scathing humor and academic rigor, Burn the Haystack is so much more than a dating tool—it gives women the skills to break down communication from the classroom to the boardroom and everywhere in between, and the confidence to approach life with a deeper, more powerful level of understanding.

Supplemental enhancement PDF accompanies the audiobook.

Necessary read

Deeply meaningful, empowering, important perspective for women. I highly recommend reading this book. You’ll be glad you did.

Life changing

I’m a highly educated (JD) career lawyer who deals with people’s ridiculous stories daily. Yet, for some reason, I didn’t see the rhetorical patterns in my private life, and for decades wondered why my relationships (both romantic and non-romantic) left me unfulfilled and taken advantage of. This book changed all that. Couldn’t be more grateful for Jennie’s work. Once you see the patterns, you can’t unsee them. Bless you Jennie! 🩷

Exceeds Expectations!

I joined the BHSDM roughly a year ago, so I was already familiar with Jennie’s content. I knew this book would be an invaluable resource “offline” and it exceeds expectations!

This book exudes both authenticity and sincerity which reflects Jennie’s excellence, her subject mastery, and how she shows up to shepherd the haystack community.

The content is beautifully tailored for the everyday reader. It has the aura of academia delivered like a casual kitchen table chat.

BHSDM has opened my eyes and changed how I view dating communication. I’ve grown from the collective wisdom of Jennie and this community and am proud to recommend this book to every woman I cross paths with online and IRL. After all, that is how I found BHS and the only thing I can do is keep paying it forward.

This is the perspective shift you never knew you needed!

A must read for every woman in this day and age!

When I win the lottery, I won’t tell anyone, but there will be one sign.
I will start buying Dr. Jennie Young’s book by the thousands, and giving it away to all women around me and to as many libraries I will be able to reach.
I am so fortunate to have discovered Dr. Young’s applied critical discourse analysis methodology.
Even though the title mentions dating, the method has a way broader application. Using it has saved me so much energy at work, because guess what - those who only promise and ghost on dating apps, will also only promise and ghost at work!
Highly recommend reading it, and following Dr. Young on Instagram - her reels are as helpful as they are hilarious.

Humorous and Insightful

As a therapist who helps folks navigate the hellscape that is dating in 2026, I love this so much.