The State of Affairs

Rethinking Infidelity

By: Esther Perel

Narrated by: Esther Perel

Read by Esther Perel

“Perel is a master at what she does.” —The New Yorker

“[Perel] knows the depth of your shame and the vibrancy of your lust.”- The New York Times

From iconic couples’ therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity comes a provocative and controversial look at infidelity with practical, honest, and empathetic advice for how to move beyond it.

An affair can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience—universally forbidden yet universally practiced—is poorly understood. Why do people cheat—even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? For a decade, psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with cheating. In this illuminating book, she weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis to provide insights and answers to help couples survive and thrive.

Betrayal hurts, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. Affairs, Perel argues, have a lot to teach us about modern relationships—what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern relationships in its many variations.

“Esther Perel is widely recognized as the world’s leading expert on marriage.”- Sunday Times Style

“A fresh look at infidelity.” - Los Angeles Review of Books

“Perel—a whip-smart emotional savant who pierces through human defenses with the efficiency of a surgeon—is a wonder to behold.”- Huffington Post

“She doesn’t peddle in bromides or offer a shoulder to cry on—she’s too busy trying to shake you to your senses, insisting on your agency, your vitality, and your complicity in what happens in your marriage.” - The New York Times

“[The State of Affairs] explores a vast landscape of the adulterous terrain . . . in a way that’s deeply humane and never preachy.” - NPR

A compelling and novel look at infidelity

The State of Affairs is an insightful, layered, thought-provoking, thorough and original piece of work, and Esther Perel is pleasure to listen to. The author provides a compelling and novel exploration in an area that rarely gets an unbiased look. It takes courage to offer new perspectives on topics as contentious as infidelity, and where deeply entrenched absolutes exist. Perel's erudite, empathetic, steadying voice manages to pierce the veil of the collective unconscious and invite deeper consideration and intelligent discourse. This book, agree with the conclusions or not, will permanently broaden the landscape and our thinking around infidelity in a way that only Esther Perel can.

Refreshing look at an old problem

I think that this book is an honest examination of problems typical in any marriage/ long term relationship. Various scenarios and types of betrayal of ones partner are examined fo help one understand the factors that contribute to the betrayal. It offers hope that the problems can be identified and understood,bringing some comfort to both parties in the relationship.

Absolutely fantastic

If you have anything resembling traditional views on monogamy and marriage (and most of us do, to various extents) Be prepared to have the foundations of your beliefs dismantled. This should be required reading for all adults, and certainly for parents.

Ultimate psychotherapist ever! Amazing

She perfectly balances authentically telling a story but not choosing a side. She documents her findings but allows you to feel your feelings and discover your own path and meanings from what she learns. It’s brilliant! I couldn’t stop listening. She’s is a genius in her field.

Incredibly insightful and thought provoking

I am somebody who is pretty black-and-white about the subject of infidelity, however this book seriously challenged me. I was compelled to listen to it as often as possible, and was totally intrigued by the stories of the couples who were grappling with the issue of infidelity in their own relationships. Not only has it broadened my thinking about what a marriage could and should be, it has also helped me understand the nature of infidelity from a variety of perspectives. It has allowed me to activate my empathy on a much more granular level than ever before. If you are someone who has been betrayed in a relationship or who has questions about monogamy, this is an absolute must read!